понедельник, 8 октября 2007 г.

melvrs: it's been a long time

I'm back in London now. It's strange -- I used to feel such a sense of belonging to this city, I had all these dreams where I would study art and work at great museums and live by the river in a beautiful flat. Now I am here, studying art, living above a great museum and right by the river too. I have never felt so lost and overwhelmed though. I've reconnected with some old Cheltenham friends and it's been nice -- like time has hardly passed, give or take a new boyfriend, a new job. Mary and I went to TopShop and it was a sensory overload. So many beautiful things, all right there, just to touch and to have, but too much all at the same time that I was dizzy and sleepy by the end. The whole city feels like that to me. So much to see, to taste, to do... and yet here I am, in my room, on the computer, my quiet river flowing outside. What's wrong with me? I'm scared I think sometimes. After Paris, I am acutely aware that being alone at night is not the safest. Also, it gets lonely, eating at places by myself. It can be purposeful I guess at times, when I have some work, but more often it's just lonely. After dinner today I spent some time walking around my neighborhood. I finally found a place that would sell coffee after 8pm and sat drinking a cup on a bench, listen to an old guy sing and play his guitar. His voice was lovely, and I cried. I guess if I really really wanted to, I could make friends. But I don't want to, really. The small talk, the effort, the extra-mile... I'm too old for that. I think about home every day, and the people there whom I can spend a good long time with, without talking at all. It would be nice to have lots of purpose, to have lots to do. It's the second week of school, after all. Nothing yet though. I have a quickie presentation tomorrow and some reading due next week that I already finished last week. Oh it was awful, I bumbled into a class thinking I was late and totally interrupted a whole other class I had nothing to do with -- MY class is still next week. Everyday I have been talking to strangers, not just in a which-way-do-I-go sense, but in a meaningful way. I've had a cab driver, a Malaysian fashionista, an indie boy with braces and a tourist couple from the South of England all strike up conversations with me, asking about life... my opinions, my politics, music, the law, David. It's been interesting, at least. So often I wish I had my fat golden retriever with me, Sophie. I miss picking fleas off her fur. Don't laugh. I miss the so many comforts I got just by being around her. She likes to sit and watch the world go by, and feels no obligation. No shame from hours of sleep, from the soft flab on her belly. Yet when she does actually get off her butt and do things, she does them with the utmost enjoyment and love. She also gets a lot of love and time in the sun.

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