вторник, 9 октября 2007 г.

smilekat

I was reading some of my old entries and came across a few things: First: Someone paid for me to go to Mexico. wow. that still hasn't sunk it. i am so THANKFUL! Second: The semester that I slept in a closet without heat and had a hammock hanging from the ceiling at the international house. This past week was hard. I am starting to admit to myself that I am slightly suicidal. "Hi my name is Kat and I have problems." *I'm sure to most of you this isn't a shock I have to come to terms, i have put a ton of effort into proving my mental stability to myself, i think it is a pride thing.* For a leadership class I had to think about my 5 year plan. As usual I am flippant and relaxed about the direction of my life. It comes down to Gods desires for my life, one step at a time. Little indicators these past two weeks have been pointing out Gods desire to fulfill a purpose in each of us, including me. I had this image of me as a grandmother. I felt guilty wanting it so bad, who am I to deserve tomorrow. I had never thought of myself as growing old, ever. Maybe this is why i will act like the eternal peter pan. Ever since my childhood i have no trust in the future because tomorrow, hell the next two seconds of my life are precious and real. I realized I never settle on a plan because I never knew if i would make it past tomorrow. As most of you know I beleive in that higher being that some of us like to curse about. A girl named Crystal was put in my path, she is the one with the two children that I love to play with. She had an interesting life needless to say and is going to Africa in Dec to provide solar powered computers to the villages so they can have access to the largest library in the world as well as provide their own information. She is an Asheville hippie who never believed in God until she went to Africa and found the man God wanted her to be with and literally 'saw the light' in a dream calling her to be a missionary. *sounds crazy but honestly she is a fantastic friend and mother* I am rambling on about her because she is also bipolar and was institutionalized at the age of eleven for trying to commit suicide everyday *verbally physically abusive relationships entire younger life* I don't think it was coincidence we met. She gives me hope. just like the hope and joy i leech from every person i come in contact with, geez the beauty that i have come across. i can't romanticize all of you enough for you to understand. one of my livejournal pals actually called me 'a light of the world' I reflect what is sent to me. i receive guilty pleasure with every smile, every vulnerable laugh, dance, life that comes out of others. The hammock in a closet at International house represents a past that doesn't just consist of hopelessness but also adventures and moments of complete deep richness, reality. I'm writing this with an enormous plate of rice and salmon sitting beside me, tears running down my face, and the rumble of engines driving down Tulane Ave to Layola. Billie Holiday just came on and I have a conceptual framework to write. This calls for hot chocolate with a pinch of chili and then perhaps a little of The other Boelyn before sleep.

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