среда, 10 октября 2007 г.


Here lies an attempt to summarize and explain my terribly convoluted feelings for Liliana. Hopefully it will aid my attempts to re-establish the brief period of happiness we had together, and if not, at least allow me to avoid bringing further unhappiness into her life. It begins near the beginning of Semester 2 last year, in August. I had first properly Liliana in the MUMS room playing Sudoku, and found her manner peculiar but otherwise thought little of it at the time and simply classified her as another of QC's extended friend network. However, she soon began to tag along with QC to various outings involving myself, and eventually began showing up at my house by herself to wake me up and drag me out and acquire lunch. I was slightly confused by this, but being used to the quirkiness of humans, assumed she just did this sort of thing to all her friends. Liliana struck me at first as an archetype I was well acquainted with, the ditzy girls with sufficient local intelligence and wit to attach themselves to intellectual crowds without actually practicing any of the disciplines on which they are based. Soon enough she started regularly talking to me online, and bringing me back to her boyfriend's apartment for brief periods to play games and engage in conversation. This was all very pleasant and not terribly scary beyond my ordinary social anxiety. I do, however, recall one particular instance of her wearing a bikini. I had not noticed her to be particularly attractive until this point, but was in little position to appreciate when I did. What I now assume to be her 'seductive' behaviour was most distressing to me at the time- at that stage I barely knew her and could only guess at what its purpose was, most of my guesses leading to some kind of hostile manipulation. The fact that Daniel was in fact present at the time further complicated the situation, and I simply ignored her oddness for the time being. I am uncertain about the order in which the following events (park & kidnapping) occurred, but I will begin with the park. One night I mentioned my tendency to feed local possums to Liliana, and she suggested we do so together, to which I agreed. Unfortunately, we had come too late, and few possums were present. My memory of the exact proceeds is fuzzy, but I believe Liliana noticed my disappointment at this and attempted to hug me. This was most startling to me as I had still only met her a month or so previously, and combined with previous encounters and the fact that she was already in an apparently loving relationship, I was most suspicious of her intentions. Liliana was understandably most upset by my reluctance to return her affections, and we left each other feeling substantially confused and depressed. Reference is <a href="http://sharnofshade.livejournal.com/2006/09/05/">here</a>. After sharing this emotional experience, unpleasant or not, our relationship picked up. We began seeing each other much more frequently, and eventually I ended up staying at Daniel's apartment for two weeks while he was away. This time was one of the happiest periods of my life; after so long without people whom I cared about and who cared about me, Liliana was wonderful. We spent almost every moment together, either going out to feed seagulls and pigeons or staying in to watch Red Dwarf or play Gamecube. Reference <a href="http://terraluming.livejournal.com/2006/09/20/">here</a> and<a href="http://terraluming.livejournal.com/2006/09/27/">here</a>. At this point I was slightly aware of her crush, but although I liked her a great deal and we often slept in the same bed, sexual interest had not entered my mind at all. I was simply happy to have a real friend again. Shortly after this period of time however, my relationship with my father deteriorated, which is a whole other story which I have little desire to expand on here. Ultimately it resulted in my staying at the apartment on a more or less permanent basis and greatly reinforcing my growing attachment to Liliana, thanks to her wonderful support and comforting abilities. However, Daniel was growing understandably displeased by the amount of time we spent together. I felt horribly guilty for this, having no desire to break up their relationship. But there was little I could do at the time, as I was on bad terms with all of my family and literally had nowhere else to go. At some point, Liliana began attempting to kiss me. While quite attracted to her by this stage, my desire not to hurt her relationship with Daniel was stronger. Nonetheless, it did not last, and we eventually did have sex. I was at that point a virgin, and found it frightening, but the sensation of reciprocated <i>closeness</i> to another individual was extremely pleasant and not what I had previously imagined sex to be like at all. We began to engage in sex fairly regularly from this point, although exam stress dulled my desire for it considerably, much to Liliana's irritation. Eventually, at the beginning of 2007, Daniel left for America, leaving us alone with the apartment and a large amount of free time. The following month or so was almost as pleasant as the two weeks I had stayed with her previously. I loved her dearly by this stage, and my affections appeared to be reciprocated. We ate, played and slept together, had marvelous discussions regarding scientific wonders and snerked at the ignorant, and were generally about as close as any two people could be. Sex was occasional, and though quite enjoyable, far from a major factor in our friendship. Life was fairly awesome. However, as with all good things, it did not last. At some point I made the mistake of introducing her to Arlen. My past relationship with Arlen was far more convoluted and twisted than I feel comfortable espousing about at present, but the upshot of it all was that he acted as an emotional wildcard on me. His presence tended to induce a state of emotional hyperalgesia in me, increasing my sensitivity even to the most neutral stimuli. Liliana had known of my attraction to Arlen for some time, and somehow got it in to her head that it would make me happy to get us back together. I knew that would never happen, but Liliana's adorable naivete was difficult to resist and I did still have lingering attraction to the boy. Unfortunately, Arlen played along- any residual interest he may have had in me had long since faded, but he too took a great liking to Liliana. This culminated in one of the most unpleasant nights of my life, and one of the few times I have seriously considered committing suicide. The two of them had sex. I believe Liliana had originally intended it to be a threesome, but knowing what I did of Arlen's intentions (and being terribly sleepy), I had no interest in participating and instead attempted to fall asleep.
A fatal mistake, as this resulted in my having to endure four hours (and three orgasms) of the only two people in the world I had ever truely cared about completely ignoring me in favor of each other. The pain was unendurable, and had I not been under the effects of emotional paralysis I most likely would have screamed. After they were asleep, I left the room, curled up in the computer room and cried for several more hours before Liliana awoke and found me. The rest of the day was spent in and out of tears, but I eventually recovered enough to feel something approximating normal. Just as this occurred, however, I found the two of them in the bedroom making out- and it all returned quite suddenly. I amalgamated my belongings and fled from the apartment. To my great relief, Liliana followed me, and we spent a time lying in the park crying into each others' arms. The next couple of months I was greatly depressed for much of the time, though I managed to suppress it in Liliana's company. Exams came and went. Daniel returned from America, and I saw less of her. The times when I did were relatively happy, although notably we never had sex. I began to notice subtle things about Liliana; the way she talked to Daniel was the most significant, as every second statement about herself appeared to be some kind of lie or misleading halftruth. Combined with previous occasions where she had been less than honest with me, I began to become somewhat wary of the girl's integrity. Still, I loved her greatly, and things were relatively peaceful between us. Time passed, and Daniel soon left for America again, but not before introducing Liliana to an individual known as Mark. Mark was an analyical philosopher- an important point, because if there is one discipline I despise the most, it is the art of making yourself look intelligent in order to gain power over other peoples' perceptions. She soon developed a crush on this Mark, which troubled me, but I didn't think much of it of the time as he was already engaged. I should have known better by this stage. Liliana and Mark became more closely acquainted, and it was eventually revealed that the crush was reciprocated. I have little desire or time to recount the recent events which followed from this, but I shall summarize the dilemma they pose for me as follows. 1. Liliana has stated that she likes Mark more than just physically.
2. She spends long periods of time engaged in online conversation with him.
3. For the last month or so we have barely had a real conversation, nor done anything significant together.
4. Liliana has not had sex with me nor displayed attraction to me at all, despite my clear interest in her.
5. She has stated that this is because she simply has no interest in sex at the moment, and does not masturbate or have interest in other men. This would be understandable.
6. Were it true. She has kissed Mark and made her sexual attraction to him very clear. Additionally, she has also masturbated on several occasions.
7. She lost interest in Daniel exceptionally quickly despite claiming to love him greatly, and virtually all her interactions with him recently have consisted of lies and deceit because it is 'too much effort to break up with him'.
8. Liliana has stated that she 'likes similar things about Mark that she likes about me', which is ironically supposed to comfort me.
9. I am therefore forced to conclude, roughly in order of the amount of supporting evidence:
  9a. Liliana is much more attracted to Mark than she is to me.
  9b. She has been lying to me about her sex drive in a similar way she did to Daniel, in order to prevent me from being upset and causing trouble.
  9c. Liliana is no longer attracted to me at all.
  9d. She also no longer loves me, and is likely keeping me around simply out of convenience and habit. I hope these conclusions are false, and that the whole thing is simply a result of my abandonment issues and paranoia. I will continue to gather evidence until I am certain of my conclusions. But for the moment, the situation does not look particularly good.

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